You're All That I Have
by AnonymouslyAddicted
Summary: "You look so fragile I could break, but I try to hold myself together for the both of us. But in truth I'm just as scared, I just wanna watch you sleep as you lie here beside me So close your eyes I'll guard the door and when you wake you'll wake with me" - Snow Patrol- In My Arms.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : I can't get over how badly they handled this whole "affair" thing, especially when it came back to bite her in the ass later on. So I guess I am just trying to fill in the gaps. Hope you'll like it! Comments are my fuel so keep them coming please :)

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 **You're All I Have**

" _Please let me hold you 'til I know we are both through this_

 _I couldn't lead another day without you here in my arms"_

"How is she?" he asked as she entered the room again.

"She's okay I guess. I mean, it was horrible for her, but she believes me, so that's enough for now. Maybe someday we'll be able to tell her everything".

Henry nodded. The last thing he wanted was for his own children to think he would ever cheat on their mom. But he couldn't really blame Stevie. He skipped the family trip in the excuse he had to work on his book and hence be at the archives, but there he was at a coffee shop with a young woman. And it's not like he sounded convincing when she asked him about it, he made up this excuse about her being his grad student, helping him with his book. That pretty much screamed affair. And then when she tried to confront him he just shushed her, not even bothering to give her answers. Truth was he didn't know what to say because he couldn't tell her anything. He wanted to consult with Elizabeth but he could barely get a minute with her on the phone before she had to go deal with the new crisis that was going on in India.

They were getting ready to go to sleep and he couldn't help but notice she was awfully quiet. He tried reading her face but she kept avoiding his eyes. When she finally entered the bed next to him he pulled her closer. Her back was turned to him, but he wrapped his arm around her. "I love you" he whispered in her ear.

She didn't respond. She was trying to swallow down the lump in her throat, to keep her tears from falling down her face. Henry knew something was wrong because there was never a time when he told her he loves her and she didn't say it back. He leaned against his elbow and looked down at her, her eyes were sparkling with tears, and he could see she was trying to hold it all back.

"Babe, hey, what's wrong?" he asked. He was nudging her to turn around and face him, but she didn't move, just a tear slid down her cheek.

"Liz, come on, turn around, talk to me, please". He was practically begging. He hated seeing her like that, he wanted more than anything to comfort her, but she clearly didn't want his comfort and it hurt him.

She sighed, a small cry escaping as she did. She turned around and he could see in her eyes she was hurting. "I'm sorry, it's nothing, it's stupid. I love you too".

"It's not stupid if it's making you cry, what's going on?"

"I… It's just… I thought…"

"You thought I was cheating on you" he said as he suddenly realized what this was all about. He wasn't cheating but as he explained everything to her, he didn't stop to make sure she was okay, because she thought, even if just for a few short seconds, that he _was_ having an affair. She thought he could actually go and be with another woman and it broke her. Of course it did, it would break him as well if he thought she was with another man.

"Yes. And it's stupid really, because you're not and you never did, and I just, I can't be mad at you for this, I can't even blame you for this. But I just… I can't get over the feeling of you being with another woman. Henry, I can't picture my life without you, and the thought of you having another life with some other woman, that… I…" she sighed. It didn't make sense in her head, so saying it out loud made even less sense and she was pretty sure he thought she was losing it.

"Hey, listen to me, I will never ever leave you. Not for another woman, not for any reason. I can't picture my life without you as well".

"But Henry, people fall out of love. Look around us at all the people getting a divorce. I can't bear the thought of you waking up one day and realizing you _can_ live without me, and you _want_ to".

"That will never happen. We're not like other couples. We've got more than two decades together".

"Henry, people break apart after 50 years together, how can you be so sure this is not our fate as well?"

"Elizabeth".

It was rare that he called her by her full name. He would only do that when he was furious or they were discussing something very important and he wanted to make sure he was clear on the subject. She wasn't sure which of these was the case now and she was afraid she might have made him very angry.

"I will never, EVER, cheat on you. Even if we ever fall out of love with one another, I will never cheat. I believe in solving the problem, not running away from it. And that's why I know it's not our fate because we both fight for this relationship to work. We both want it enough to actually _make_ it work. I will never stop loving you and I know you will never stop loving me. So the worst that can happen is that things will get rough, but it won't be a first and we'll survive it together, like we did so far".

Tears were sliding down her cheeks now. It was stupid, she knew it was stupid. He was the love of her life. He was the only stable thing in her life since she met him, the one sure thing she could always count on to be there. And she was smart enough not to fall for just anyone. She knew better than devote like this to someone who wasn't feeling exactly like her. She was a CIA analyst after all. And truth was he was the only one with whom she let herself be led by her heart and emotions rather than by her voice of reason. There really was no way he would be having an affair, and she didn't even believe Daisy when she told her that. She just wanted to quiet that tiny voice in her head that kept telling her she might be so in love with him she's blind to see what's right in front of her. She couldn't sit in her office and think of every conversation they had recently, or analyze his behavior. She just needed to hear him say _no_ and she was pretty certain that would be his answer. But when she asked him about it and he paused and didn't deny it right away, that was enough to make her doubt everything she thought she knew about them, it was enough to make her doubt everything they had. And when later she asked him if they'll figure it out eventually, seeking his reassurance, and he didn't respond, it was enough to wake all her demons and send her right to where she was now.

"You never answered my question…" she finally said.

Henry scanned her face. He was confused, unsure of what she was referring to, afraid he only made things worse without even knowing it. He was willing to answer anything and everything. Hell, if it was up to him he would tell her about the whole operation, but he couldn't so he promised to give her every detail he could. He knew she was disappointed he lied to her about his deadline being moved up, but he apologized for it. And then it hit him. She asked before if they will figure it out. She was hoping he would calm her, that he would promise her forever like he always did. Instead he looked at her and said nothing because he was still so worried about Stevie. It daunted him to think she was so unsure of them that she needed his reassurance so badly.

"Babe, of course we'll figure it out. We always do".

"You promise?"

"I promise. I love you so much".

Elizabeth nodded but the tears just kept falling from her eyes.

"Sweetheart please stop crying. Tell me what I can do to make this better, I hate seeing you hurting so much".

"Kiss me" she whispered.

Henry smiled. It was always the ultimate medicine for so many problems and for no problem at all. He leaned forward, his eyes now closed, brushing his lips against hers. She closed her eyes and her hand pulled his head closer to hers. She opened her lips and his tongue slipped inside, dancing over hers as they kissed.

"I love you okay? More than anything".

"I love you too. I'm sorry I got all worked up about this. I told you it was stupid".

"Baby, it's not stupid. I just don't ever want you to think there's a chance of us not being together, or of me going and having an affair".

"Okay. Promise" she nodded.

"Besides, babe, have you looked in the mirror lately? I would be crazy to leave you! I was shocked I was able to make you fall for my charm, there's no way I am going to cheat on you because honestly there's no way I'll ever land a hot babe like you".

She laughed and he was finally smiling because he just couldn't get enough of her laughter. "You're not so bad yourself" she teased, kissing him again.

She could never be certain they will survive all the obstacles life will throw their way, but she was certain they will both do their best to make this work. And if things were to ever fall apart, she knew at least their respect for each other was enough to not make them hurt each other that badly. Which is what she was thinking as she heard Daisy telling her about how her husband was seen around town with a younger woman. She hated herself a little that she didn't stick to that thought, but she also knew fare well Daisy would never say something like that unless she was pretty certain her source was reliable. And that's what shook her, because truth was everyone at the office knew they were strong together, deeply and madly in love with each other. So for Daisy to get up the courage and tell her she heard that Henry was having an affair, it was enough to undermine her foundations.

"Hold me tonight, will you?"

"I will forever hold you. I wouldn't have it any other way".

Elizabeth smiled, moving even more closely to him as she closed her eyes and slowly drifted into sleep. Henry stayed awake for a while longer, just staring at her. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful. He could never have enough of her and he was thankful that she was lying there in his arms; that they were sharing a life together. He was grateful she was _his_.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** : Thank you so much for reviewing the first part of this two-part fic! Made me so happy to know I was not the only one bothered with how the show dealt with this storyline. This chapter takes place at the end of 1x12, and again it's my mind refusing to accept the lack of scenes regarding this storyline.

Would love to know what you think!

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" _I could hold you for a million years_

 _To make you feel my love"_

When he planned their 25th anniversary he didn't imagine this is how it was going to be. He imagined them retracting their first anniversary, spending a wonderful weekend together, finally able to be with just each other. He imagined them making out, having sex, cuddling. Anything besides _fighting_.

As he was lying in bed next to her, wide awake, he couldn't stop wondering what went wrong that made this weekend such a disaster. It was a fact she was bothered with the whole situation with Stevie, and that she was scared to leave work like this. It was also a fact that the cancellation of his op got to him harder than he expected but it wasn't any of these things. It was the fact that he was yelling at her for no apparent reason; It was the fact that she told him, one way or another, that she can't trust him. And he couldn't blame her. He promised her to never lie to her. After confronting him about his supposed affair he swore he would tell her what he can and let her know when the information was classified. But not bluntly lie to her like he did. Truth was he loved working for the NSA. He loved the thrill it gave him. But he knew how hard it was on her – she was worried about him, sad they had nothing to discuss, afraid his cover will be blown and he'll be at great danger. So he lied, to protect her and maybe to protect his own little secret as well. He did not expect this to blow up in his face like this and he certainly did not expect it to blow up in her face like this.

They haven't discussed it. Not when they arrived back to the hotel, not during the night they spent together, not even the next evening when they ate Chinese and played Scrabble. But she didn't have to say anything. He knew she was hurt, he felt her keeping some distance from him. He also knew she was trying to push it because she didn't want to be angry with him. But Henry knew her far too well to see behind all of this and know he deeply hurt her, and she was angry he didn't keep his promise. It was subtle, really – she was only half kissing him, just lightly hugging him, and almost 2 miles away from him in their bed.

He sighed and got out of bed. He wasn't sleeping anyway and he didn't want to wake her. Plus, it was almost unbearable to lie there without holding her.

He was lying on the couch, a dim light from the lamp next to him was flickering his face. He was reading a book, but he must've read the same line 20 times by now. He couldn't stop beating himself for being so stupid, for hurting her so much. Things were delicate between them as it is since he started working for the NSA, so this was certainly not helping. He wondered if he would ever be able to really fix this, to gain her trust back completely. Because Elizabeth was always suspicious with everyone. He didn't know if it was her CIA job or events that happened in her life that made her this way but since he knew her she was always second guessing people and their agendas. It took him a long time and some great measures to make her fully trust him. It frustrated him how, with one stupid act, he managed to lose her trust and destroy all that he's worked so hard to build.

He was so busy with his thoughts that he didn't hear her when she called his name. It was when she lightly touched his arm that he jumped, surprised to find her standing so close to him. "Hey, honey, why are you up?"

She smiled "I could ask you the same question".

"I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake you".

Elizabeth nodded, sinking on the couch next to him.

Henry sighed. He wanted to apologize, to explain himself, to make her trust him again. He wanted to turn back time and undo what he did, but he couldn't. He didn't want to be the one to bring it up, because he knew how hard she was trying to fight the anger and hurt, but he wanted her to talk to him. He wanted her to give him a chance to explain himself. To make things better.

"Liz" he said, sitting up. She looked at him, they were suddenly so close and he could see her bright blue eyes darkening. He slowly caressed her cheek and she closed her eyes, giving into his touch. He moved forward and his lips rested softly on hers as he kissed her gently. She didn't resist but she wasn't cooperating as well. She wasn't even sure why. Of course she was mostly hurt by him, but still, she loved him and he was her husband and she knew she would get over it at some point. But she couldn't bring herself to let her guard down. She couldn't shake the thought that the last time she did it, he hurt her again.

"I love you. So much".

She stared at him, trying to ignore the lump in her throat. She knew he was trying to apologize for what he had done, for their anniversary being ruined, for everything that happened in these past few months. "I love you too Henry" she smiled, but deep down she felt like crying.

Henry sighed again. She was not going to open up to him and it frustrated him. He wanted her to yell at him, to tell him how badly he hurt her. He wanted anything but this silence and this distance.

"Maybe we should try to get some sleep?" she finally spoke.

"No. No. We need to talk. I am not going to lie so far away from you in bed and pretend like everything's okay".

"Henry…"

"No, babe. You have every right to be mad, I was a complete ass. So come on, be mad, let me have it. Just don't be so silent, I can't bear it".

"I don't see the point Henry. I know you couldn't tell me much about your op, so I can't really blame you for this".

"We both know that's not why you're so hurt Liz".

Elizabeth sighed. He knew her too well and sometimes she really wished he didn't. "Look, I'm not mad. I'm just hurt. You promised you wouldn't lie to me and when I asked you if the NSA thing was over and if you liked it, you held me in your arms and lied to me. And that has nothing to do with the op being secretive. This was between us Henry. I told you in the car when we rode back from the restaurant – I have to be able to trust you for this relationship to work. And I have trusted you up until you lied to me again. And now, I just feel that if we go back to how things were before, I'm afraid you'll hurt me again like you did this time. And maybe even do something you promised you wouldn't – _cheat_ ".

Henry opened his mouth to answer, to tell her she was crazy because he would never cheat, but before he could speak she lifted her hand, as if to stop him.

"Don't. I know what you're going to say – that this is different and that it has nothing to do with how much you love me and that you will never cheat. But Henry, when you hold me in your arms and lie to me, there's no guarantee you won't cheat if you ever get bored with me. And I just can't live with this thought in my head, it will drive me crazy to constantly wonder where you are, who you are with and if you still love me. This is not the life I signed up for".

"I don't want you to feel that way. Not now, not ever. Please tell me there's something I can do to make this all better. To reassure you that I will never hurt you this way. I am so so sorry for what I have done, and I know it was thoughtless and I hurt you in so many ways, and it was wrong. I just, I couldn't tell you that the op wasn't really over or that I had hoped there would be more ops because I was really enjoying it, I just couldn't".

"But Henry, that's exactly the problem, that's why I'm so hurt, that's why I fear you'd lie again or cheat. Because you couldn't tell me the truth, and I don't even know why. Henry, our relationship is based on _talking_. We have such great communication, and if you can't tell me the truth about how you feel, then something is clearly wrong between us".

"I know it sounds stupid right now, but I didn't want to hurt you. I figured, if the op is almost over anyway, what was the point in worrying you? And it's not like they offered me a job so it didn't really matter if I liked working for them or not. And I saw how it affected you, and I just… I didn't want you to bear this burden".

"It's not a burden. Yes, I was scared to death something will happen to you, and it proved to be justified since Klaus was on to you and showed up out of nowhere. Henry, he could've tried to kill you if you were alone. But that's not the point. It's like you said the night I found out – it's the life we signed up for. But you keeping it from me isn't. I get that you were trying to protect me, but I would've appreciated the truth much more".

Henry nodded. He realized it before she even said it, but it was already too late to fix what he had done. "I want to promise you I will never do it again – lie to you. But you won't believe me, and you have every right not to. I will just work every single day to earn your trust back, to show you I mean what I say and I am never going to do that again. But I can't stand the thought of you thinking that I can cheat. I get _why_ you feel that way, but I don't want you to. I… Tell me I can do something to change it. Please" he whispered, his eyes welling with tears.

Elizabeth turned around to face him, her hand resting on his chest. She wanted to promise him she wouldn't, that she would forget about it and let it go. But she couldn't. The fact that he lied, and he lied while being so intimate with her in their bed, holding her so close, it broke her. He promised her forever, so how could he hold her like that and still lie to her? How could she ever let him hold her like that again and not wonder if he held another woman in his arms when he wasn't with her. She was crying by now, unable to swallow down her tears anymore. She hated that they were at this place, unable to move forward. She wanted so badly to reassure him, to tell him he can fix it. And she wanted more than anything for him to be able to fix it. She knew, in time, she would trust him again completely and blindly, but right now there really was nothing he could do. He had apologized more times than she could count and she knew fair well he meant it. She could see in his eyes it hurt him right to his core that he did what he did, that he would go to the moon and back if it changed his actions.

When she didn't answer he wiped away her tears and kissed her cheek. He then leaned in and hesitantly kissed her lips, still feeling her distance.

"Henry…" She whispered when he backed away.

"You're the only one Elizabeth, you always will be. I swear. I'll spend the rest of your life making sure you know _you're the only one, you're all I have_ ".

She nodded, because she didn't really know what else to say. She knew he was serious – he was going to work so hard to make sure she never doubts him or his loyalty to her. She looked at the rings on her finger, slightly sparkling from the dim light next to them. _For better or for worse_ , that's what they promised. This was _worse_ , she thought. She must get over it, she can't let it define who they are. He was loyal to her since the day they met and if some circumstances brought him to lie to her, it couldn't demolish everything they had, everything they were.

She leaned forward and kissed him, fully present this time, falling completely into his touch, into his lips, into his embrace. _Life was too short_ she thought. The last thing she wanted was to spend one minute away from him. She'll need time to get over this, but right now she chose to fall for his words, to let all the guards down.

"Never again, baby. I promise. _Never again_ ". He whispered on her lips before kissing her again.

He carried her to bed, her arms wrapping around his neck, her head resting on his shoulder. He lied in bed next to her and pulled her closer, and she let him surround her with his arms. He moved his hands through her hair and she closed her eyes, feeling the weight of the past few days being lifted from her shoulders. It's enough for now, she thought.

"I love you. Couldn't stop even if I wanted to" He whispered.

"Don't. Don't ever stop loving me. I need you" she said and kissed him again.

" _So let's go back there, back to the start_

 _Swear I'm never gonna leave you_

 _Cause you're the only one I want_

 _Let's go back there, back to the start_

 _Swear I'm never gonna leave you_

 _Cause you're the only one I want"_

 _FIN_


End file.
